It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood, A beautiful day for a neighbor,
Would you be mine? Could you be mine?
I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you,
I’ve always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.
So let’s make the most of this beautiful day, Since we’re together, we might as well say,
Would you be mine? Could you be mine? Won’t you be my neighbor?
Even when I was a little kid, I never watched this show. Mr. Rogers, sitting there, singing his song, asking for strangers to be his neighbor. It was kind of emo in a way, this middle aged man with grey hairs sitting by himself, tying up his shoes, crooning about how nice of a day it is to have a neighbor like me. I don’t know about you, but if my neighbor sat there singing to my (yet non-existant) kids about being “being mine”, I’d have to nail his doors and windows shut and burn his house down with him still inside. Then he wouldn’t think it’s such a beautiful day to have a neighbor just like me. Though the topper to Mr. Rogers that made him so wrong was his cardigan sweaters. It wasn’t a good look in the 80’s and it’s not a good look now.
Number 7: Button up tight Cardigan Sweaters
There’s a few times where this looks good but many times when it doesnt. It’s great for when you’re in the office, around the home and lazing around keeping warm and cozy. But anywhere else it’s just a boring look. It screams “I’M BORING…and lazy so I just put on a shirt with a cardigan sweater on top.” I’m not talking about the stylish ones, only the button up tight ones. They remind me of properness, prep school, uptight and should be paired with horn-rimmed glasses and a beehive hairdo. I even see kids wearing them and thats not ok for any age. If you dress your kids in cardigan sweaters and they go to school and get beat up, it’s your fault. If Mr. Rogers sees your kid, he’ll say “wow that kid dresses like me so I’m going to kidnap them and make them mine.” Again, your fault. Don’t do it, don’t be mean to your kids. Those kids will grow up to be adults and continue to wear cardigan sweaters and the loop continues. End the insanity now. Look this lady even got arrested for wearing a cardigan sweater and thats the way it should be…illegal.
I love Halloween. People dress up, they spend days planning and making their costumes (some Halloween enthusiasts spend months), and it’s a night where you can literally be anyone else or dress like anything and get away with it. Girls wear the skanky version of nurses, cops and Disney characters and look absolutely amazing. They dress up like vampires and pilots and one year my friend put on a gold catsuit and carried around a mini gold shovel and called herself a gold digger all night. Guys loved it. They were throwing their gold at her. I’m poor so I only threw a few quarters her way and maybe a shot of JD. How fun is it to party dressed as someone else and vicariously live through that costume for one night? Not only that but it’s amazing to see some of the costumes some people come up with for October 31st. But what happens when you think Halloween is every day of the year?
Number 8: Fake Goths
Ok wow. I don’t know about this one. It’s not Comicon. Do you work? How do you find a job? Or do you just scare people out of their money all day long by scowling at them and threatening to kick them with your crazy thigh high buckled 5 inch heel boots? If you walked into my office looking for a job, I would turn you away. I would lock my doors so you couldn’t even speak to the receptionist. I understand that you are full of angst and torment, and that your life sucks and you want to express your deep down murderous rage for all people by dressing like a gay vampire, but maybe people would treat you nicer if you didn’t look like you wanted to rip the heads off of their cats and drink their blood. What do you do on Halloween? Do you dress normal to fool people? I bet at a Halloween goth party, you’re all dressed like preppies. And then I see the Goths who walk around smiling and laughing with their friends who are dressed normal. Ok, now that’s a fashion disaster. You’re not even Goth! You’re not even Emo! WTF. Do you dress like that for fun? At least the real ones have a semi-devil worshiping tendancy. But you, you’re just a wannabe gay vampire, and who wants to be a gay vampire?? Maybe you thought the boots were cool when they were on sale at Aldo warehouse. (They’re on sale for a reason, nobody wants them). They might look nice on a stripper in Vegas, but walking around Brentwood mall with your matching pleather long jacket just makes you look like an extra from Matrix. And that wasn’t even filmed here. And that was like 10 years ago. You’re not fooling anyone.
When I was 17 my friends and I liked to supe up our Honda Civics and Toyota Paseos. We would spend hours in the garage building body kits, adding stickers and chopping springs for the ultimate garage kit car and what came out looked awesome, though wasn’t much faster. My best friend had a Chrysler Neon which he put a huge 2 foot dual wing spoiler on it. The spoiler looked like it came off a F1 race car and was about 4 sizes too big for the car. I had 18 inch rims on my Paseo, which were equally mal-proportioned to my little car. Just like how those didn’t fit and made people point and laugh at us behind our backs, here is the #9 mistake girls can make fashionably.
Number 9: Clothes that Don’t Fit
Ok, what the hell? Seriously. Like, did you think you were 3 sizes smaller than you are when you were out shopping for clothes? Did that last diet coke from the food court put too much asparatme in your brain to make you treat the fitting room mirrors like those circus mirrors where they distort your body? Don’t get me wrong, I love fat girls. They’re some of the most nicest and awesomest girls I know and physical appearance has nothing to do with ambition, personality or loveliness. (Some of the most bitchiest, coniving and ugly-personalitied girls I know are skinny) I’m not here to bash fat girls, only the ones who dress non-accordingly or think they’re hotter than they are, though at the same time a healthy dose of confidence does a person good, but like we were when we were young and foolish, tricking out our rice rockets with every cent from our paycheques, people see through it and laugh behind your backs. I went to a club one time and saw this girl who was probably 240lbs. She was wearing a tanktop with string ties in the back, except you coudln’t see the string because the fat rolls had eaten them. It was like watching Jabba the Hutt caught in a fishermans net. I threw up a bit in my mouth. And then there are the muffin tops. OMG. Seriously. Listen. If your waist is a size 36, don’t buy jeans that are size 29 and think “On a good day I’ll fit these” cuz the good day will never come. Then the jiggle will wiggle out the side and make it more noticible that you’re trying too hard. If you dress accordingly to your size, you’ll look 100 times sexier and hotter to guys. Trust me. If you’re overweight, please don’t complain about it as you stuff your mouth with that last cupcake in the lunch room. Be proud. Confidence is so much hotter than ignorance.
Majority of girls I know dress very well. They have good color matching skills (which is very important to a guy, who wants to be walking down the street with a girl dressed like a 4 flavour slurpee in a clear cup), they dress to the occasion and always look cute or hot whatever they’re doing: shopping, out to eat for a birthday, chillin movie night and usually aren’t overdressed or underdressed but dressed just right. But sometimes SOMETIMES, you girls wear something that I think are kind of weird, or maybe it’s just my Guy style. Maybe what you’re wearing is hot to other girls but odd to guys. Or maybe you just can’t dress right. I don’t know, but either way, don’t take offence if you do some of these things, I’m sure when you put it on you thought it looked good. But yeah…
Number 10: Grandma Style Capri Pants
What the hell? You either wear long pants or short pants aka shorts. Why the half legged pant? They’re like rice picker pants that old village grannies in China wear to pick rice because the rice paddy water was calf deep but they didnt’ want mosquitoes sucking on their exposed skin so they cut their pants calf length. But what’s the purpose in urbanite communities? You look like a little boy from Deutchland, might as well sport the wooden clogs too.
Don’t get me wrong, the lululemon yoga ones are great. The tight jeans ones are hot. The cargo capris are sporty and sexy. But the business ones, where the bottom is all loose like you took a pair of scissors and hacked off the lower 1/4 of your dress pants, those ones make me wonder why you bothered coming out today at all.
Anyway, that’s #10. 9 more fashion mistakes I think a girl could make from my POV coming up.